[ He's as tender as he can be as he knots the last stitch and clips the excess off. It doesn't look pretty but, considering this isn't his particular field, it's impressive enough and the wound will heal eventually. After dabbing some ointment on his finger, he begins applying it carefully to the edges of the wound. ]
If you're going to lie to someone, pick someone who isn't accustomed to keeping secrets of his own.
[ In other words, he is absolutely calling his bluff on this one. Despite what happened, this is the second time he has seen Dorian display some form of strong emotion. His own hypothesis is that he runs from them because he's worried about the consequences of having to feel again when he's shut himself off so completely from the world. It's a shield and a crutch. ]
The past shaped us into who and what we are today. Whether you want to dwell on it or not, it'll always be there. [ Ethan begins wrapping the wound. ] It isn't useless, it's a lesson meant to keep you from doing something reckless in the future. Think before you act and remember that your actions that night didn't just affect you.
Keep going down this path and the only thing you're going to feel is alone, because you will be.
[A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure.
Dorian has always lived by that. If he didn't want to feel something, he didn't. He saw life and death as a play, and as long as it all played out beautifully, it didn't matter if it was a tragedy or comedy. What other people called evil was, to him, an aesthetic.
But after sitting in that chair, enduring waves of pain while images of violence played out before him, perhaps the drama of life wasn't as pleasing to watch as it once was. No longer a ballet or an opera, but a reminder of his own suffering. Is that what it's supposed to be like? Suffering at the suffering of others? Then how was life meant to be anything good?
Joke's on Ethan. Dorian is already alone. And it's come to feel like that's simply the way of things.
After a time, you'll lose the desire for passion entirely, for connection with anyone. Like a muscle that atrophies from lack of use. And one day you'll realize you've become like them. Beautiful and dead. You have become a perfect, unchanging portrait of yourself.
If you're going to lie to someone, pick someone who isn't accustomed to keeping secrets of his own.
He remembers begging Lily to spare Frankenstein's life. Stupid, worthless Dr. Frankenstein. Why had that been so important to him? Why had he given Angelique a coming-out, only to end her life so beautifully, her dark hair flowing so beautifully over stone, with shards of glass around her like fallen stars? Why had he insisted on "helping" Ethan the way he did, instead of building trust, which he'd always known was the right way?
Did it really all happen because of his flair for the dramatic? Of seeing life as a story and people, including himself, as characters?
He hadn't been trying to help Ethan at all, had he?]
There is...much in my past, [he murmurs,] I ought to feel guilt for. If I let that in--ten lifetimes of regrets--I fear it will destroy me. [He hesitates, remembering who he's talking to.] But it did not destroy you.
[ Ethan doesn't say anything again until he's finished with the bandages, not until he starts cleaning up his work area. He lets the words soak in and wash over him, surprised at how they seem to strike a chord with him. For the first time since his arrival to the apartment, he feels some of the anger begin to dissipate, replaced with something bordering on understanding. ]
It threatens to destroy me every day. Some days I feel like I'm one step away from giving into the darkness, on others I've taken two steps away from it. The only reason it hasn't destroyed me is because I can't afford to let it, there's too much I want to protect. Guilt follows me like a shadow, Dorian, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for what I've done.
[ As if to drive that fact home, he carefully unravels the bandages on one of his hands to show it to Dorian. Unlike the previous time, the nail marks are deeper, jagged, and angry -- yet another display of how quickly things could change from month to month. Some months were easier than others and the injuries sustained were manageable but other times? They could be savage. ] I never know what I'll become but it's a part of me.
Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll see if I ever find the nerve to glance behind me but if I don't embrace it, I'll go mad. I've spent much of my life running, yearning for forgiveness from people I'll never meet again in this life. If you don't face what you are, what you've done, then the lives that were lost are meaningless.
We were born into the world with a purpose. Find yours and take it a day at a time.
[What is it with people telling Dorian he needs meaning in his life? Life has no inherent meaning. It's a continuous revolving door of changing faces who make very little impression on the world and are almost always forgotten in the end. The ones who do make an impression often make a bad one. Dorian attached himself to more than one monster throughout the centuries simply because there was something about them that would last in the world after they were gone. People like Louis (not Pointe du Lac), of whom the bloodthirsty Lily was only a pale shadow.
But it wasn't really meaning Dorian took issue with--it was determinism. He did indeed make his own meaning out of life, as much as he claimed life was meaningless. He'd just chosen a meaning that pleased him and no one else. Was that wrong?
His thoughts are racing, folding in on themselves, a mile away before he can catch up to them. He takes a deep breath and nods.]
I will...consider it. [He hesitates.] And I am truly sorry.
Don't do it because someone told you to, do it because you want to. It's your life in the end. If doing things like this makes you happy, then so be it.
[ Ethan lingers at his side for a second, looking like he might want to say something else, but walks back to the bathroom with the supplies he didn't use to clean up. Everything will be put back in its proper place before he makes any attempt to leave, right down to the needle and thread once the former is cleaned off. He pauses in front of the mirror and hangs his head, eventually looking up again to meet his reflection.
Even now he's trying to understand his motivations. The fact that he trusted Dorian enough to share his secret, only for him to betray that trust stings. Friends are few and far between for him and this isn't exactly making him want to branch out and collect more. He pushed people away to protect them, what do you do for someone who added to the threat? He wants to understand.
When he finally exits the bathroom, he walks past Dorian intent on walking out the door without another word. Talking to him as he is now isn't going to solve anything, maybe leaving him to his thoughts will. He pauses, glancing over his shoulder with his hand on the doorknob. ]
I need to find Miss Ives. Once I do, I'll come back and we'll finish this talk.
[Dorian gives Ethan a surprised look. He wasn't expecting the man would ever want to speak to him again.
Remember what you're feeling right now.
Because it isn't just the guilt, the fear, and whatever else is happening that he can't define. There's also a bit of hope now. Maybe he hasn't chased away the only person who's believed in him since he was actually a young man.
Maybe, one of these days, he'll even accept his apology.]
Of course. [Dorian's throat has gone dry again, so his voice is barely there.]
[ Maybe that's his weakness, he shouldn't ever want to see Dorian again after what he did but something is pulling at him, making him want to hear him out before he makes his choice. The trust will be the hardest thing to get back, he's unlikely to ever ask Dorian to help him during a full moon again. ]
Get some rest, Dorian.
[ He watches him for another couple of seconds before opening the door and closing it behind him almost too quietly. The rage is still hiding beneath the surface but sometimes not losing one's temper can leave just as much of an impact. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He's as tender as he can be as he knots the last stitch and clips the excess off. It doesn't look pretty but, considering this isn't his particular field, it's impressive enough and the wound will heal eventually. After dabbing some ointment on his finger, he begins applying it carefully to the edges of the wound. ]
If you're going to lie to someone, pick someone who isn't accustomed to keeping secrets of his own.
[ In other words, he is absolutely calling his bluff on this one. Despite what happened, this is the second time he has seen Dorian display some form of strong emotion. His own hypothesis is that he runs from them because he's worried about the consequences of having to feel again when he's shut himself off so completely from the world. It's a shield and a crutch. ]
The past shaped us into who and what we are today. Whether you want to dwell on it or not, it'll always be there. [ Ethan begins wrapping the wound. ] It isn't useless, it's a lesson meant to keep you from doing something reckless in the future. Think before you act and remember that your actions that night didn't just affect you.
Keep going down this path and the only thing you're going to feel is alone, because you will be.
no subject
Dorian has always lived by that. If he didn't want to feel something, he didn't. He saw life and death as a play, and as long as it all played out beautifully, it didn't matter if it was a tragedy or comedy. What other people called evil was, to him, an aesthetic.
But after sitting in that chair, enduring waves of pain while images of violence played out before him, perhaps the drama of life wasn't as pleasing to watch as it once was. No longer a ballet or an opera, but a reminder of his own suffering. Is that what it's supposed to be like? Suffering at the suffering of others? Then how was life meant to be anything good?
Joke's on Ethan. Dorian is already alone. And it's come to feel like that's simply the way of things.
After a time, you'll lose the desire for passion entirely, for connection with anyone. Like a muscle that atrophies from lack of use. And one day you'll realize you've become like them. Beautiful and dead. You have become a perfect, unchanging portrait of yourself.
If you're going to lie to someone, pick someone who isn't accustomed to keeping secrets of his own.
He remembers begging Lily to spare Frankenstein's life. Stupid, worthless Dr. Frankenstein. Why had that been so important to him? Why had he given Angelique a coming-out, only to end her life so beautifully, her dark hair flowing so beautifully over stone, with shards of glass around her like fallen stars? Why had he insisted on "helping" Ethan the way he did, instead of building trust, which he'd always known was the right way?
Did it really all happen because of his flair for the dramatic? Of seeing life as a story and people, including himself, as characters?
He hadn't been trying to help Ethan at all, had he?]
There is...much in my past, [he murmurs,] I ought to feel guilt for. If I let that in--ten lifetimes of regrets--I fear it will destroy me. [He hesitates, remembering who he's talking to.] But it did not destroy you.
[How?]
no subject
It threatens to destroy me every day. Some days I feel like I'm one step away from giving into the darkness, on others I've taken two steps away from it. The only reason it hasn't destroyed me is because I can't afford to let it, there's too much I want to protect. Guilt follows me like a shadow, Dorian, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for what I've done.
[ As if to drive that fact home, he carefully unravels the bandages on one of his hands to show it to Dorian. Unlike the previous time, the nail marks are deeper, jagged, and angry -- yet another display of how quickly things could change from month to month. Some months were easier than others and the injuries sustained were manageable but other times? They could be savage. ] I never know what I'll become but it's a part of me.
Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll see if I ever find the nerve to glance behind me but if I don't embrace it, I'll go mad. I've spent much of my life running, yearning for forgiveness from people I'll never meet again in this life. If you don't face what you are, what you've done, then the lives that were lost are meaningless.
We were born into the world with a purpose. Find yours and take it a day at a time.
no subject
But it wasn't really meaning Dorian took issue with--it was determinism. He did indeed make his own meaning out of life, as much as he claimed life was meaningless. He'd just chosen a meaning that pleased him and no one else. Was that wrong?
His thoughts are racing, folding in on themselves, a mile away before he can catch up to them. He takes a deep breath and nods.]
I will...consider it. [He hesitates.] And I am truly sorry.
no subject
[ Ethan lingers at his side for a second, looking like he might want to say something else, but walks back to the bathroom with the supplies he didn't use to clean up. Everything will be put back in its proper place before he makes any attempt to leave, right down to the needle and thread once the former is cleaned off. He pauses in front of the mirror and hangs his head, eventually looking up again to meet his reflection.
Even now he's trying to understand his motivations. The fact that he trusted Dorian enough to share his secret, only for him to betray that trust stings. Friends are few and far between for him and this isn't exactly making him want to branch out and collect more. He pushed people away to protect them, what do you do for someone who added to the threat? He wants to understand.
When he finally exits the bathroom, he walks past Dorian intent on walking out the door without another word. Talking to him as he is now isn't going to solve anything, maybe leaving him to his thoughts will. He pauses, glancing over his shoulder with his hand on the doorknob. ]
I need to find Miss Ives. Once I do, I'll come back and we'll finish this talk.
no subject
Remember what you're feeling right now.
Because it isn't just the guilt, the fear, and whatever else is happening that he can't define. There's also a bit of hope now. Maybe he hasn't chased away the only person who's believed in him since he was actually a young man.
Maybe, one of these days, he'll even accept his apology.]
Of course. [Dorian's throat has gone dry again, so his voice is barely there.]
no subject
Get some rest, Dorian.
[ He watches him for another couple of seconds before opening the door and closing it behind him almost too quietly. The rage is still hiding beneath the surface but sometimes not losing one's temper can leave just as much of an impact. ]