[ Ethan doesn't say anything again until he's finished with the bandages, not until he starts cleaning up his work area. He lets the words soak in and wash over him, surprised at how they seem to strike a chord with him. For the first time since his arrival to the apartment, he feels some of the anger begin to dissipate, replaced with something bordering on understanding. ]
It threatens to destroy me every day. Some days I feel like I'm one step away from giving into the darkness, on others I've taken two steps away from it. The only reason it hasn't destroyed me is because I can't afford to let it, there's too much I want to protect. Guilt follows me like a shadow, Dorian, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for what I've done.
[ As if to drive that fact home, he carefully unravels the bandages on one of his hands to show it to Dorian. Unlike the previous time, the nail marks are deeper, jagged, and angry -- yet another display of how quickly things could change from month to month. Some months were easier than others and the injuries sustained were manageable but other times? They could be savage. ] I never know what I'll become but it's a part of me.
Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll see if I ever find the nerve to glance behind me but if I don't embrace it, I'll go mad. I've spent much of my life running, yearning for forgiveness from people I'll never meet again in this life. If you don't face what you are, what you've done, then the lives that were lost are meaningless.
We were born into the world with a purpose. Find yours and take it a day at a time.
[What is it with people telling Dorian he needs meaning in his life? Life has no inherent meaning. It's a continuous revolving door of changing faces who make very little impression on the world and are almost always forgotten in the end. The ones who do make an impression often make a bad one. Dorian attached himself to more than one monster throughout the centuries simply because there was something about them that would last in the world after they were gone. People like Louis (not Pointe du Lac), of whom the bloodthirsty Lily was only a pale shadow.
But it wasn't really meaning Dorian took issue with--it was determinism. He did indeed make his own meaning out of life, as much as he claimed life was meaningless. He'd just chosen a meaning that pleased him and no one else. Was that wrong?
His thoughts are racing, folding in on themselves, a mile away before he can catch up to them. He takes a deep breath and nods.]
I will...consider it. [He hesitates.] And I am truly sorry.
Don't do it because someone told you to, do it because you want to. It's your life in the end. If doing things like this makes you happy, then so be it.
[ Ethan lingers at his side for a second, looking like he might want to say something else, but walks back to the bathroom with the supplies he didn't use to clean up. Everything will be put back in its proper place before he makes any attempt to leave, right down to the needle and thread once the former is cleaned off. He pauses in front of the mirror and hangs his head, eventually looking up again to meet his reflection.
Even now he's trying to understand his motivations. The fact that he trusted Dorian enough to share his secret, only for him to betray that trust stings. Friends are few and far between for him and this isn't exactly making him want to branch out and collect more. He pushed people away to protect them, what do you do for someone who added to the threat? He wants to understand.
When he finally exits the bathroom, he walks past Dorian intent on walking out the door without another word. Talking to him as he is now isn't going to solve anything, maybe leaving him to his thoughts will. He pauses, glancing over his shoulder with his hand on the doorknob. ]
I need to find Miss Ives. Once I do, I'll come back and we'll finish this talk.
[Dorian gives Ethan a surprised look. He wasn't expecting the man would ever want to speak to him again.
Remember what you're feeling right now.
Because it isn't just the guilt, the fear, and whatever else is happening that he can't define. There's also a bit of hope now. Maybe he hasn't chased away the only person who's believed in him since he was actually a young man.
Maybe, one of these days, he'll even accept his apology.]
Of course. [Dorian's throat has gone dry again, so his voice is barely there.]
[ Maybe that's his weakness, he shouldn't ever want to see Dorian again after what he did but something is pulling at him, making him want to hear him out before he makes his choice. The trust will be the hardest thing to get back, he's unlikely to ever ask Dorian to help him during a full moon again. ]
Get some rest, Dorian.
[ He watches him for another couple of seconds before opening the door and closing it behind him almost too quietly. The rage is still hiding beneath the surface but sometimes not losing one's temper can leave just as much of an impact. ]
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no subject
It threatens to destroy me every day. Some days I feel like I'm one step away from giving into the darkness, on others I've taken two steps away from it. The only reason it hasn't destroyed me is because I can't afford to let it, there's too much I want to protect. Guilt follows me like a shadow, Dorian, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for what I've done.
[ As if to drive that fact home, he carefully unravels the bandages on one of his hands to show it to Dorian. Unlike the previous time, the nail marks are deeper, jagged, and angry -- yet another display of how quickly things could change from month to month. Some months were easier than others and the injuries sustained were manageable but other times? They could be savage. ] I never know what I'll become but it's a part of me.
Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll see if I ever find the nerve to glance behind me but if I don't embrace it, I'll go mad. I've spent much of my life running, yearning for forgiveness from people I'll never meet again in this life. If you don't face what you are, what you've done, then the lives that were lost are meaningless.
We were born into the world with a purpose. Find yours and take it a day at a time.
no subject
But it wasn't really meaning Dorian took issue with--it was determinism. He did indeed make his own meaning out of life, as much as he claimed life was meaningless. He'd just chosen a meaning that pleased him and no one else. Was that wrong?
His thoughts are racing, folding in on themselves, a mile away before he can catch up to them. He takes a deep breath and nods.]
I will...consider it. [He hesitates.] And I am truly sorry.
no subject
[ Ethan lingers at his side for a second, looking like he might want to say something else, but walks back to the bathroom with the supplies he didn't use to clean up. Everything will be put back in its proper place before he makes any attempt to leave, right down to the needle and thread once the former is cleaned off. He pauses in front of the mirror and hangs his head, eventually looking up again to meet his reflection.
Even now he's trying to understand his motivations. The fact that he trusted Dorian enough to share his secret, only for him to betray that trust stings. Friends are few and far between for him and this isn't exactly making him want to branch out and collect more. He pushed people away to protect them, what do you do for someone who added to the threat? He wants to understand.
When he finally exits the bathroom, he walks past Dorian intent on walking out the door without another word. Talking to him as he is now isn't going to solve anything, maybe leaving him to his thoughts will. He pauses, glancing over his shoulder with his hand on the doorknob. ]
I need to find Miss Ives. Once I do, I'll come back and we'll finish this talk.
no subject
Remember what you're feeling right now.
Because it isn't just the guilt, the fear, and whatever else is happening that he can't define. There's also a bit of hope now. Maybe he hasn't chased away the only person who's believed in him since he was actually a young man.
Maybe, one of these days, he'll even accept his apology.]
Of course. [Dorian's throat has gone dry again, so his voice is barely there.]
no subject
Get some rest, Dorian.
[ He watches him for another couple of seconds before opening the door and closing it behind him almost too quietly. The rage is still hiding beneath the surface but sometimes not losing one's temper can leave just as much of an impact. ]