[ Ethan jerks away from the touch but the momentum makes him stagger, so he turns and latches onto Dorian to support himself before defeatedly resting his forehead against the other man's shoulder with a sigh. Eventually he reaches up and grabs a handful of the back of his shirt, desperate to make sure all of this is real, that this isn't the city messing with him again. Having decided that Dorian isn't a figment of his imagination, he continues. ]
More than that. He stayed because he wanted to, they respected the hell out of each other. [ Everyone within the walls had a past, had some kind of darkness within them, but Sembene had been the best of them. A quiet man who protected everyone he cared about no matter the cost to himself, no matter how brutal the action may have seemed. Because he was the cause of his death, he never thought to question Malcolm about the significance of their relationship. They were both still grieving in their own way. ]
He was a man of few words but, when he spoke, you listened. There was a weight to his words, word I should have listened to. He told me not to go that night, he knew it was going to be a full moon, but I couldn't let her go alone. [ He finally lets go of his shirt, arms returning to hang limply at his sides. ] When Sembene looked at you he saw you for who you are, not what you are.
He.. kept my secret, even knowing I could kill someone.
[Oh boy. Dorian is going to have to really watch this guy's back. Forever. And sentry duty is so boring. But if Ethan couldn't even stay home on a full moon when Vanessa was in trouble, this particular guardianship will probably get exciting periodically.
Still, he's starting to understand why Ethan is so fearful of his own nature. Sembene was a true confidant, the like of which Dorian has only dreamed of having until now. And he has killed him, against his own will.
Being under the sway of that ghost on the second floor of the dorm was...interesting, but Dorian wouldn't do it again. As much as he'd looked down on Louis, he hadn't wanted to harm him. But the worst thing about it was being influenced by something else. Ethan is fully controlled by something else. Horrible.]
There are few in the world like him, and they are all precious. [The sentiment is sincere.] I am sorry for your loss.
I was going to put a bullet in my head that night. To protect him, to protect them.
[ Ethan states this as casually as possible, pulling away from Dorian to grab for the couch and take a seat. His gaze lingers on the bottle he took from him but, rather than grab for it, he rests his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands before continuing to tell his tale. ]
He stopped me, took my guns away so I couldn't try it again. Said my life held more value than his.
[ How could one life be more precious than another? Even now he doesn't understand Sembene's sacrifice, or maybe that's just the denial creeping in. A death that was completely avoidable and all he could clearly remember was begging him to kill him first, knowing how much of a blow it would be to Malcolm and Vanessa to lose him. ]
He didn't think so. [And Dorian agrees with Sembene. Ethan is special. Though come to think of it, humans usually aren't so willing to admit something like that. They like to think they're at the top. If anything, wouldn't Sembene stress Ethan's human origin over his elevated state?
But he's not sure he actually wants to question Ethan about this while he's too drunk to know what he's saying. It didn't end up feeling so great to try to pry information out of a semi-possessed Vanessa, even if it wasn't really her he was trying to gain information about.
[ Ethan lets out a shaky sigh, lifting his head in an attempt to look up at Dorian. It would be a lot easier if he wasn't seeing two of him right now but, somehow, he manages. ]
I don't know what I was thinking anymore, I just knew I couldn't let Vanessa go alone. [ He told her they couldn't go that night, even tried to make a convincing argument, but she didn't listen. But he doesn't blame her, because he would have done the exact same thing if the roles were reversed. ]
But the option was there. For them? I would have done it.
Maybe it should be. [ No, he doesn't mean that in the slightest. ] I had a lot of choices, I just made the wrong one. Nothing I can say or do will bring him back.
[ Did Sembene know what his death would do to him? To the others? At the time, he showed no fear and only seemed to care about him surviving. A small part of him understands and that's the whole reason he's spiraled like this. ]
I don't.. [ He even gives him one of those are you serious looks before leaning over to retrieve the glass, taking a small sip. ] Satisfied?
[ He pauses, turning so he can stretch out across the couch, as the physical and mental exhaustion catches up to him. Stretching an arm up to cover his face, he lets out another sigh. ]
You don't have to stick around. [ Ethan reaches out with his other hand and grabs the sleeve of Dorian's shirt, like a child. ] Thank you.
[ Ethan sputters and sits up, leaning away from him despite the fact that he accepts the glass. He probably doesn't even realize it's the water glass at this point. ]
[ Yes, he is a grade A hypocrite, but surely Dorian knew this already. After a slight narrowing of his eyes, he tips his head back and empties the glass in a few gulps. Ethan stares up at him for a moment before biting back a laugh. ]
I can't tell if you're thinking about hitting me with that glass or not.
[ He reaches up and pants his cheek with a hand a few times, the other one eventually joining it so he can hold his face between his hands for a moment. The humor is still there but it quickly fades. ]
I wonder what life would have been like if I met someone like you earlier. Maybe we'd both be in a better place, Dorian.
[A soft, surprised laugh breaks through Dorian's irritation. Was that a compliment? It was optimistic to the point of delusion, but it did seem like an expression of appreciation for what he's doing. That makes this a little more bearable, face-touching notwithstanding.]
Unlikely. I was a lost cause a long time ago, my friend. [But he sees Ethan's point. This caretaking? He never does this. He is the very definition of a fair-weather friend. He has never had an attachment he couldn't cut loose when it no longer served him, and this, at this moment, does not serve him. But he doesn't want Ethan to hurt, or to hate himself like this.]
But perhaps, [he muses quietly.] Perhaps when we were young.
[ Ethan studies him in complete silence after his musings, holding onto his face perhaps a moment longer than necessary as he seems to be searching for something. A thumb brushes just beneath one of his eyes before he gives him his space back. ]
Would a lost cause be babysitting a grown man right now? I wonder. [ And he does wonder about it. Dorian is quick to remind him of how much of a lost cause he is but, when it came down to it, he was always there. Not just in this instance. ] I don't think you're as lost as you think you are.
It's not too late. [ He lays back down and rolls over, so he's facing him with his head resting atop of one of his arms on the arm of the couch. His eyes are getting heavy, but he's bound and determined to get this out. ] Not for you, not for me. Just have to find something worth changing for.
A lost cause might. [Dorian isn't doing this because he's a good person. He's doing it because he wants to keep Ethan. Does he care about Ethan? Yes, but he is practiced at becoming apathetic like he's flipping a switch. Whenever he wants to, he can stop caring. The only reason he hasn't flipped that switch is because he needs people, especially here. And because he still feels the reverberations of Lily leaving him, and facing his empty house alone once again. He doesn't want to be alone again. In that way, he feels like a bit of a hostage in this situation.
Say you meet that person, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Is it I want to protect them with my life or how long is it going to take for them to leave?
He isn't at Protect him with my life yet, but he does want to protect Ethan. Does that mean he could ever come back from all the lives he has destroyed without looking back? No. It just means this is one life he's trying not to destroy.]
I hope you do, Mr. Ethan Chandler, [is all he can say to that last, though he knows the truth. Ethan doesn't have the slightest idea how thick the ice is, how deep the darkness runs.]
[ The genuine curiosity has him shaking off his sleepy stupor in favor of studying Dorian's face a bit too carefully. The typical expression he wears, the boyish smile, feels more like a mask than anything else. Though they have spent more than a month together trapped here he, admittedly, is still at a loss when it comes to understanding him. Dorian Gray is a riddle he has yet to solve.
Something is there, hidden beneath the mask, and buried under hundreds of years of.. what exactly? Disappointment with the monotony of life? With people? The way he threw the glass against the wall when he called him out on his feelings spoke volumes, there's a lot more to this man than meets the eye and, whatever hand he's been dealt, he is keeping it close to his chest.
[ Throwing his phone away after this evening, when he realizes just how many of these texts he sent out. Three is three too many. He grunts when the pillow is positioned under his head, peering up at him curiously. ]
Right now? I couldn't quite say, ask me again in the morning.
[ Not that Dorian will be here then, though that is probably a good thing. He's likely going to get a lot of good use out of that trash can in the morning. The corner of his mouth twitches into a quick smile, eyes half-lidded before he eventually closes them and the smile fades. ]
[That's sweet. Ethan's a little too drunk to recognize when he's being playfully fished for compliments, but that's okay. Dorian doesn't need any, least of all after that smile.]
Sleep well, Ethan, [he says with real fondness, actually surprised at how his heart warms to the sight of Ethan drifting off in some degree of comfort. Dorian did that. Didn't he? Perhaps it's just the alcohol. Yes, it must be.]
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More than that. He stayed because he wanted to, they respected the hell out of each other. [ Everyone within the walls had a past, had some kind of darkness within them, but Sembene had been the best of them. A quiet man who protected everyone he cared about no matter the cost to himself, no matter how brutal the action may have seemed. Because he was the cause of his death, he never thought to question Malcolm about the significance of their relationship. They were both still grieving in their own way. ]
He was a man of few words but, when he spoke, you listened. There was a weight to his words, word I should have listened to. He told me not to go that night, he knew it was going to be a full moon, but I couldn't let her go alone. [ He finally lets go of his shirt, arms returning to hang limply at his sides. ] When Sembene looked at you he saw you for who you are, not what you are.
He.. kept my secret, even knowing I could kill someone.
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Still, he's starting to understand why Ethan is so fearful of his own nature. Sembene was a true confidant, the like of which Dorian has only dreamed of having until now. And he has killed him, against his own will.
Being under the sway of that ghost on the second floor of the dorm was...interesting, but Dorian wouldn't do it again. As much as he'd looked down on Louis, he hadn't wanted to harm him. But the worst thing about it was being influenced by something else. Ethan is fully controlled by something else. Horrible.]
There are few in the world like him, and they are all precious. [The sentiment is sincere.] I am sorry for your loss.
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[ Ethan states this as casually as possible, pulling away from Dorian to grab for the couch and take a seat. His gaze lingers on the bottle he took from him but, rather than grab for it, he rests his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands before continuing to tell his tale. ]
He stopped me, took my guns away so I couldn't try it again. Said my life held more value than his.
[ How could one life be more precious than another? Even now he doesn't understand Sembene's sacrifice, or maybe that's just the denial creeping in. A death that was completely avoidable and all he could clearly remember was begging him to kill him first, knowing how much of a blow it would be to Malcolm and Vanessa to lose him. ]
The wrong person died that night, Dorian.
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But he's not sure he actually wants to question Ethan about this while he's too drunk to know what he's saying. It didn't end up feeling so great to try to pry information out of a semi-possessed Vanessa, even if it wasn't really her he was trying to gain information about.
Moreover, there's something else that's disturbing him.]
Did you join them thinking you would either prevail before you could transform, or shoot yourself?
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[ Ethan lets out a shaky sigh, lifting his head in an attempt to look up at Dorian. It would be a lot easier if he wasn't seeing two of him right now but, somehow, he manages. ]
I don't know what I was thinking anymore, I just knew I couldn't let Vanessa go alone. [ He told her they couldn't go that night, even tried to make a convincing argument, but she didn't listen. But he doesn't blame her, because he would have done the exact same thing if the roles were reversed. ]
But the option was there. For them? I would have done it.
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[Dorian would have stayed behind without a care, but Dorian is also a bad person, and he knows it.]
Drink your water.
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[ Did Sembene know what his death would do to him? To the others? At the time, he showed no fear and only seemed to care about him surviving. A small part of him understands and that's the whole reason he's spiraled like this. ]
I don't.. [ He even gives him one of those are you serious looks before leaning over to retrieve the glass, taking a small sip. ] Satisfied?
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[ He pauses, turning so he can stretch out across the couch, as the physical and mental exhaustion catches up to him. Stretching an arm up to cover his face, he lets out another sigh. ]
You don't have to stick around. [ Ethan reaches out with his other hand and grabs the sleeve of Dorian's shirt, like a child. ] Thank you.
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Drink.
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Says the one who said I'd had enough to drink.
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[What right does this man have to criticize Dorian's carelessness when he's so determined to destroy himself?]
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I can't tell if you're thinking about hitting me with that glass or not.
[ He reaches up and pants his cheek with a hand a few times, the other one eventually joining it so he can hold his face between his hands for a moment. The humor is still there but it quickly fades. ]
I wonder what life would have been like if I met someone like you earlier. Maybe we'd both be in a better place, Dorian.
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Unlikely. I was a lost cause a long time ago, my friend. [But he sees Ethan's point. This caretaking? He never does this. He is the very definition of a fair-weather friend. He has never had an attachment he couldn't cut loose when it no longer served him, and this, at this moment, does not serve him. But he doesn't want Ethan to hurt, or to hate himself like this.]
But perhaps, [he muses quietly.] Perhaps when we were young.
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Would a lost cause be babysitting a grown man right now? I wonder. [ And he does wonder about it. Dorian is quick to remind him of how much of a lost cause he is but, when it came down to it, he was always there. Not just in this instance. ] I don't think you're as lost as you think you are.
It's not too late. [ He lays back down and rolls over, so he's facing him with his head resting atop of one of his arms on the arm of the couch. His eyes are getting heavy, but he's bound and determined to get this out. ] Not for you, not for me. Just have to find something worth changing for.
I see you, Mr. Dorian Gray.
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Say you meet that person, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Is it I want to protect them with my life or how long is it going to take for them to leave?
He isn't at Protect him with my life yet, but he does want to protect Ethan. Does that mean he could ever come back from all the lives he has destroyed without looking back? No. It just means this is one life he's trying not to destroy.]
I hope you do, Mr. Ethan Chandler, [is all he can say to that last, though he knows the truth. Ethan doesn't have the slightest idea how thick the ice is, how deep the darkness runs.]
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[ The genuine curiosity has him shaking off his sleepy stupor in favor of studying Dorian's face a bit too carefully. The typical expression he wears, the boyish smile, feels more like a mask than anything else. Though they have spent more than a month together trapped here he, admittedly, is still at a loss when it comes to understanding him. Dorian Gray is a riddle he has yet to solve.
Something is there, hidden beneath the mask, and buried under hundreds of years of.. what exactly? Disappointment with the monotony of life? With people? The way he threw the glass against the wall when he called him out on his feelings spoke volumes, there's a lot more to this man than meets the eye and, whatever hand he's been dealt, he is keeping it close to his chest.
Sounds familiar. ]
I do. [ He squints. ] Two of you, in fact.
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And how do you find the sight? [He locates a throw pillow to tuck under Ethan's head and neck.]
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Right now? I couldn't quite say, ask me again in the morning.
[ Not that Dorian will be here then, though that is probably a good thing. He's likely going to get a lot of good use out of that trash can in the morning. The corner of his mouth twitches into a quick smile, eyes half-lidded before he eventually closes them and the smile fades. ]
Thanks, Dorian.
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Sleep well, Ethan, [he says with real fondness, actually surprised at how his heart warms to the sight of Ethan drifting off in some degree of comfort. Dorian did that. Didn't he? Perhaps it's just the alcohol. Yes, it must be.]